The Finished Product

It took a month and a half but here are the final pictures of my room. I LOVE it. Its really nice and a good place to just chill. The only thing left is to get my bedframe, which is coming this friday. It is cast iron and will fit well with everything else in there. I am blessed with so much. I can't thank my family enough. they take care of me...extremely well...and i hope i never take that for granted.

New Carpet FINALLY

So I'm sitting here, with hammers sounding in the background as the carpet man puts in our new carpet. (He's singing loudly to himself because i don't think he knows I'm up here haha.) It has been almost exactly one month since we moved in and the day after we moved in was the day that the madness of the sewer line began. Needless to say, I've been sleeping in my living room, packed full of stuff for about a month now, without a room of my own. I thought I'd put up a few pictures to show you all what's been going on.

this is my room before the sewer broke, as I was unpacking it (with some friends' help as you can see)

Then the next night, we had to move everything out of it because the sewer line broke and water was coming out everywhere. it was a little bit of madness if i've ever seen it.

So, we had to have all the carpet removed and dehumidifiers in every room of the basement

We had the sewer company come and dig up our yard to fix the problem

And this is where I've been sleeping for a month. In the midst of all the basement furniture. I really don't mind it actually. The room has windows all the way around and a really nice view. I actually set up my computer over in that corner you can see in the picture so it's really becoming very normal as the days go on.

But I am definitely ready to have my own space again. So after tonight, I will be back in my bedroom and all will be well.

Student Ministry

There's nothing wrong with me
It's just that I believe things
Could get better

So over the years, I've come to be involved in helping lead two student ministries. One at school and one at church. And I'm realizing more and more that ministry is hard.

It's hard because I look around and see the place these ministries are at and then see in my mind where they could be and it feels like we are so far away from being at that place. I feel in my heart where they could be, but the difficulty comes in producing organizational change that brings the ministry to that place spiritually and in the ideology and mindset of the people there.

Often times I find myself thinking that if we were to model what we do off of other ministries that have worked, then we'd be pretty well off. More and more I am seeing that there are (at least) two totally different philosophies on student ministry and I am torn between which is better and which is most effective. I say that because I have seen both work, at least to some extent.

There are ministries that focus on being cool, being "relevant", being big, being powerful, and being emotional. They are very black and white in how they see a human being. They see somebody as either saved or unsaved. There is a clear distinction between somebody who is a Christian and somebody who is not. A distinct us and a distinct them. Christian and Non-Christian. They then cater their services to either the christian or the non-christian because in their black and white mindset, you cannot provide an experience meaningful to both. They then further classify the "saved" person as either "on-fire" or "not on-fire" which refers to the emotional level of passion they exhibit for God. The goal is to make people "on-fire Christians." They want people to experience something powerful. They want people to "encounter" the glory of God emotionally and then devote their entire lives to seeking after it. Too often people seek after the high instead of after the reality of God. But the problem with this kind of ministry is that when the high fades...so does the spirituality that the high brought about. It tends to focus so much on the individuals relationship with God and rarely on the world around them. It rates a relationship with God as if on a number scale. "How close do you feel to God today?" Rarely do they recognize the reality of God outside of a feeling. It rarely focuses on the importance of community. There is this predominating idea that once you are "on-fire", that your life will be amazing and if it's not, then it's because you're letting "the enemy" have too much ground and so it is your fault that you have problems. If you believe enough, nothing can harm you. This brings about this idea that if you have crap to deal with, and you are seen as somebody who is a "leader" in your youth group, then you need to hide that crap because by having it in your life, you are failing in the fight. You musn't bring it to the surface because you are a leader and you are supposed to be "strong in your faith"...a "ten on the relationship with God scale". These ministries focus a lot on musical worship and expression during that worship. Whether that be raising your hands, jumping, or getting on your knees, it is seen as very vital to actually worshipping God. But the thing is, on nights when you just aren't feeling that great, you feel like you cannot worship God because your crap is separating you from Him and you cannot get that crap off your shoulders because you aren't supposed to talk about it...or the atmosphere doesn't make it comfortable to talk about it. Though it is fun, though it is exciting, and though it is very emotionally powerful, it is rarely deep. I guess the biggest thing is this type of ministry focuses on Jesus doing something for a person but rarely do they talk about Jesus doing something IN a person. They want you to experience God and then bring others to experience God...but too often does that experience remain skin deep.

Then there are ministries that are relational. They encourage you to bring your problems to the surface. They don't discourage doubting but see it as vital to growth. They recognize that the truths of God are for all people and all people are welcomed no matter where they originally stand with Jesus. They are not forced to make a decision to be allowed to experience Jesus in their lives. These ministries don't just want you to know about Jesus and what He's done for you, they want you to see what He can do in you and bring you to a place of total restoration. His work is never done. There is no black and white. There is only middle ground. A person is a person of infinite value, whether they know Jesus or not. The goal is not to get a person to say a prayer. The goal is to see them restored from the inside out. Encountering God happens in small but beautiful things, not as much in huge emotional events or big definitive moments/decisions. Community is vital to this ministry. They need each other. They work through their issues together. They wrestle with questions and don't deny doubt. The ministry is less about emotion and more about deep change. They are about seeing God redeem a person's past. They are about bringing heaven to earth rather than getting earth to heaven. They don't focus on a summit once a week but rather try to "live life together". They realize that they were made for this and live life to the fullest. They also realize that this was made for them and that they should not throw the earth and this life away like some its a piece of trash. They see that life is messy and that it is not cut and dry. That people go through crap but that God is still at work redeeming them through it. It accepts the mess of life instead of trying to hide it and rather works through it, realizing that God is not too weak to save them more and more everyday in the midst of the mess.

I like this a lot more than the first one. One, because it is about deep change, permanant change...not temporary emotional experience. And through that deep change comes emotional experience. There are obviously good things and bad things about both philosophies which is why there's frustration. How do you take the overwhelming beauty that you have found in the truths of Jesus and relay it to high school students in a way that will make them want to be a part of this? How do you make the message the heart of the ministry rather than the details? How do you put organization behind the philosophy? And how do you evoke interest and eventually passion for the ideas that you are already burning for because you have found them to be redemptive and true? There's this tension between how it is and how it should be and oftentimes that tension seems too much to bear. Afterall, ministry is about getting people to live the way God intended. I believe God also had an intention for the church and what is whas supposed to look like and I just get frustrated when I see how far away we are from what seems right. Ministry is hard because life is messy and its hard to provide organization that embraces messiness.

"Defendent's Copy (Furnish to Court)"

So I'm driving home today from 53rd st. down 18th towards my new house to get my piano books for piano lessons. I'm already barely gonna make it. It's like 4:20 and my lesson is at 4:30 and I still had to go home and get my books before I went to it. So I'm driving in front of bettendorf high and I get to a light and look in my rearview mirror and what do i see?

a popo with his lights on. waving at me. I pulled into a parking lot and rolled down my window waiting for him to get out and come talk to me (which took him forever leaving me wondering whether I was supposed to get out and talk to him or if he is gonna come talk to me). So he comes up and asks for my license and insurance and at this point I am really scared. I guess i was going 42 in a 25. But the thing is...it's not a 25, it's a 35...normally. And I was completely oblivious to the fact that between 7 and 5 on weekdays it is a 25 for that short stretch in front of the school. I had figured school was over and done with an hour and a half ago and it didn't even cross my mind that it might be a 25. But that obviously didn't matter to mr. police man. He went back to his car and sat down forever and then came back telling me he was going to give me a citation. I didn't know what that was and hoped it meant a warning but no. It did not. It was a full out ticket. $90. $90 for going 5 over what I thought was the speed limit.

While driving to get my books, now 3 minutes late for piano lessons, you would not have wanted to have been in the car with me. I think i exhausted pretty much every single explitive word that i could think of and was in a fit of rage towards the copper who pulled me over. I was pissed because I know that if I had been a girl, I would not have gotten a "citation". Stupid sexist cops. And Jenn said if I had been nerdy, I would not have gotten one either, which led me to believe that if i would have only told him that I was late for my piano lesson, he would have let me off the hook. But do you know the consequences for this? it is not only a $90 ticket. It is a probation. It is a refusal to give me my full license when I turn 17, thereby abolishing curfew. It is going to hang over my head from here until I turn 18 and that pisses me off a lot. On top of all of that, i feel retarded because i've only had my license for a month and I already got a speeding ticket...and it wasn't even for a good reason.


and now i have to tell mom.

More Than Me

Life is hard. In so many ways. And lately, it's been a lot harder than it has been easy. I recently moved into my new house across town from where I used to live. While moving was a tough thing because I hate changes that big, I was finally getting used to it, and settling into my new room, and guess what happens?! The sewer line breaks right in the hall outside my room! Supposedly my mom hears the toilet "glub, glubbing" and runs to see whats happening when before her eyes, water spots start appearing on the carpet down the hall into my room and out the door. Luckily she frantically pulled up all my stuff off the floor and none of it got ruined. But all the carpet in the basement, and some of the drywall is ruined and there may be asbestos underneath some of it and mold underneath a lot of it. So needless, to say, I've been sleeping in the living room in the midst of a jungle of furniture pulled upstairs from the basement. Just my big, new matress and some blankets.

And though I make light of the situation, it's been a really hard time for my family. All we wanted was to be able to move in peacefully and now we are forced to live out of boxes because we cannot unpack until the basement is fixed. And because it has been forcing me to help other people a lot, I've been realizing how selfish and reluctant to serve other people I am. I am mean. I am stubborn. I don't like being told what to do. I want to do my own thing and have everybody else leave me alone, even if that means them having to suffer for it. And I'm not ok with this. On top of a lot of the moving issues we've been having, I've been dealing with a lot of personal problems too and this only accentuates the problem. I don't like having to deal with other people's problems when I have enough of my own. I feel like if I could just iron out all my crap and get my stuff straight first, then I'll feel free to help other people. It's not that I don't want to help them, I do...just let me fix myself first.

But more and more I'm learning that life is messy. There is no such thing as ironing out all your problems and as soon as your old problems go away, new ones come...but we don't have to focus on them. This is where I struggle. I would be content (if you could call it that) to sit and pity myself all day long, thinking about how crappy my life is (though it's not comparatively), and how my past affects me now, and all the problems I have. But nothing ever gets done that way. So though I've been able to label all my problems and identify them, I realize that I'm at a deadend. Though I know what my issues are, I don't know how to deal with them. And you can say "just give them to God and pray about them" all that you want...but when I think about that, though it's a beautiful idea, it's so abstract that I don't quite know what to do with it and therefore it gets me nowhere...other than sitting her pitying myself for not being able to give my issues to God.

But what if fixing my problems was as easy as putting them behind me. Not in the sense of ignoring them but in the sense of not dwelling on them. What if I decided to take Jesus seriously when he said, "seek ye first the kingdom...and all these things will be added unto you." And if the kingdom is about serving other people and putting other people and their issues before your own, then what if I chose to give myself to this pursuit rather than giving myself to my pity. I'm trusting that if I choose to seek this kingdom out with all the energies i presently spend on thinking through my crap...then God will add all that I need unto me. And I believe that by throwing my issues into him while I focus on building His kingdom, he'll throw wholeness back unto me, and bring healing to the parts that hurt.

i'm back!!

So I decided today that it is about time I return to the blogging world. I don't exactly know how frequent these entries will be, but who ever does, when inspiration comes it comes (whether that be in the form of a beautiful sunset or a candybar), and i decided that i want to have a blog again. Pretty much because I miss it. I miss the little online community we have. And plus, pretty much everyone i know is moving away so I figure it would be a good idea to maintain a blog to keep in touch. So I'm back, new blog, new template (which will probably change soon), and we're gonna try this again. haha. I find it funny that i quit blogging because i was becoming obsessed with it. who gets obsessed with blogging? seriously. anyways, just thought i'd throw in a post to start this off.